Missing the War
by Doneril
Summary: Songfic - Missing the War (BenFolds5) Snape knows about Harry's life at the Dursleys because of Occlumency. What if he told Sirius? (child abusecharacter death) COMPLETE!


Missing the War PG-13 Doneril Disclaimer: I am neither J K Rowling nor Ben Folds Five, so I don't own anything. I'm pretty sure Ben Folds Five owns the plot (it is their song after all).  
  
All is quiet his tired eyes  
see figures jotted down  
And clothes all strewn around  
the bedroom flood Sirius sat in the nearly empty room, staring blankly at the owl-sent letter. He did not seem to comprehend what it said. It was a letter from his old rival, Severus Snape. Dumbledore and the rest of the Order hadn't seen fit to contact him. He was just an innocent convict to them.  
  
Now nothing's adding up  
And nothing's making sense  
  
But why would Snape write to him? Snape hated him, hated Harry, hated everything and anything remotely associated with the Marauders. So why, in the name of all that is sacred, would Severus Snape be writing a letter to Sirius Black about concern for Harry Potter?  
  
She's sleeping like a baby  
She doesn't like a baby  
She doesn't know he wasn't meant for this  
  
He could hear the night shift come in and get ready for bed just as the rest of the Order awoke and began to plan for the day. The delicious odors of Molly Weasley's cooking wafted to his nostrils, but he did not smell it. And if he had, he would not have been hungry. He did not want food or sleep lately, and it was wearing on his body. So he stayed away from the rest of the Order.  
  
I'm missing the war  
I'm missing the war all night  
Missing the war  
  
Couldn't they understand that he had escaped Azkaban for a reason? He did not risk life, limb, sanity, and soul to be cooped up in his mother's house again! He needed to help Harry, to help with the war effort.  
  
He drove home again  
Pissed and beaten  
Its really no big deal  
It happens all the time  
Its no big deal  
  
So every night he would get drunk. Nothing new. He knew the other members did not approve but only Molly was vocal about it. Remus would watch him with his big, sad eyes full of sympathy and pain. Remus knew what Sirius was going through. Remus had been kept out of enough things in his life as a werewolf to understand Sirius' pain.  
  
I'm missing the war  
I'm missing the war all night  
Missing the war  
I'm missing the war  
  
Yet, it ate away at him. Sometimes the Aurors would complain about their time-consuming jobs, or the night-shift members would whine about not getting enough sleep, but Sirius would trade places with them in an instant.  
  
'Till beads of sunlight hit me in the morning  
So much time so little to say  
Time may fly  
And dreams may die  
  
It never changed. Sirius' hopes of being instrumental in the war had been shattered. His job was to keep house. He'd lost track of the months some time ago. He knew it was after Christmas, but that was about it. What was the point in keeping track anyway?  
  
The shaking voice that tells him go  
Still thinks he might  
He knows he won't  
I'm missing the war  
Missing the war all night  
Missing the war  
  
He had pondered escaping, leaving to fight, but he had nowhere to go. Muggles and wizards alike thought he was a crazed homicidal maniac. He was safe nowhere. And that hurt him the most.  
  
Evaporated:  
  
What I've kept with me  
And what I've thrown away  
And where the hell I've ended up  
On this glary random day  
Were the things I really cared about  
Just left along the way  
For being too pent up and proud  
Woke up way too late  
  
He glared at the window letting the sun into his bedroom. Somehow, he preferred the doom and gloom of night now. He'd given up on leaving, but only Harry tied him to the Order now, despite what Remus and Dumbledore might say. He lived for his godson. James and Lily were dead. Peter had betrayed them. Remus watched him as if he were a homicidal maniac. The others looked at him as if he were mad, even Ron and Hermione. Harry, though, Harry genuinely liked him, loved him as a father figure. Sirius had given up his life the day he set foot in Azkaban. And now he did not know how to pick up the pieces.  
  
Feeling hung over and old  
And the sun was shining bright  
And I walked barefoot down the road  
Started thing about my old man  
It seems that all men  
Wanna get into a car and go anywhere  
  
Sirius once again felt the pulling urge to leave Grimmauld Place. The folded letter in his hands kept him still. Snape was lying. And Snape would pay. But he could not fight the fact that he wanted to leave Grimmauld Place, London, England, Britain, and even magic behind. Sirius wanted to find a place to start a new life - but only if he had Harry.  
  
Here I stand,  
Sad & free  
I can't cry and I can't see  
What I've done  
  
A lone tear slid down his cheek and he clenched his hand into a fist around his letter. The pain he first felt when he saw Peter on Ron's shoulder was back again with a vengeance. Snape had to be wrong. He could not have failed Harry.  
  
God...What have I done  
So don't you know I'm numb, man  
No I don't feel a thing at all  
  
He reread the painful letter, praying silently that the message would change, that it would be some terrible prank. But Snape of all people knew better than to joke about these things. It had always been a sensitive topic for him. And Sirius knew why.  
  
Cause its all smiles & business these days  
and I am indifferent to the loss  
  
"Hungry, Sirius?" Remus asked from the other side of the door, worry evident in his voice.  
  
"I'm fine, Moony," Sirius replied with false cheer. "Kreacher brought me something to eat earlier," he lied.  
  
"Ok." Remus knew he lied, but did not say anything. They had been playing this game for months.  
  
I've faith that there's a soul  
whose leading me around  
I wonder if she knows  
Which way is down...  
  
He thought of Harry - his only reason to live, to remain sane - and barked a strangled sob. He wanted it to all be a lie, but he knew it was true. He wondered if Harry knew. Well, obviously Harry knew, but did he understand?  
  
I poured my heart out  
I poured my heart out  
it evaporated...see?  
  
Sirius had given everything he had to Harry and Harry's life, but it seemed that it was not enough. It was too little, too late. If only. there were too many "if only's" these days. These days, Sirius felt hollow and now the only thing that filled him was a sense of defeat.  
  
Blind man on a canyon's edge  
of a Panoramic scene  
  
Standing out side the door, Remus knew something was wrong. Sirius should be eating more and drinking less, but he never heard those noises coming from the room. It sounded as if Sirius was stepping on angry cats. Remus had seen the owl fly into Sirius' window earlier that morning, Snape's owl, but he did not want to press that matter. Sirius was lost enough as it was.  
  
Or maybe I'm a kite  
That's flying high & random  
Dangling a string  
  
Not noticing it at all, Sirius continued to cry with his strange, barking sobs. He felt incredibly lost, but found a piece of parchment, an old quill, and some ink. He began to scrawl his letter to Snape.  
  
Or slumped over in a vacant room  
Head on a stranger's knee  
  
He wrote a detailed letter to his enemy, just as detailed as the one he was sent. The letter was full of worry and hatred. Worry for Harry, but hatred at the world and the people who had done this to him. For a few minutes, Sirius felt alive again, as if he could really do something.  
  
I'm sure back home  
  
Then he remembered that Umbridge checked all owls going to and from school. Snape had probably sent his letter from Hogsmeade. Sirius stared at his letter, the pain settling in his heart once more. There was nothing he could do. He was in fifth year again - trapped in his mother's house with nowhere to go because no one else would take him in.  
  
They think I've lost my mind.  
  
Remus stayed outside Sirius' door for a long time. He never did figure out what that strange noise was or what the letter was about. Soon after, Sirius was gone and Remus regretted leaving his friend in the bedroom so many times. Once he tried to ask Snape what the letter was about, but the man glared at him and informed him in no uncertain terms that it was none of his business. Yet, Remus couldn't help but wonder what happened that day. What on Earth could have accelerated Sirius' downward spiral? If Snape were to blame, Remus would kill him. Of course, Remus could not have been more wrong. 


End file.
